Leaving love behind

2012 my life changed irrevocably when I suddenly, after 3 short years of marriage, had to say farewell to my husband and start a new life with my then only 2yr old daughter.

The impact of becoming a widow and single mother at the age of 35 didn’t quite hit me immediately. I guess I hit the road running, when I walked out of the hospital knowing I will never see him again. One never realise the snap in your momentum of life when tragedy like this hits you. Its like screeching tires bringing you to a halt and you are stuck in the moment looking at those around you going on with life and you are left to stand, viewing it all go by in slow motion.

I’m a natural born taking-the-lead and lets-get-going kind of person. I guess being the eldest of 3 children the responsibility of taking “care of” and “looking after” was always my job so it came naturally for me to just keep on functioning. Life goes on. It didn’t magically stop with the death of my husband. Bills needed to be paid. Food needed to be put on the table. I’m now mother and father to our daughter who sadly just did not understand why daddy wasn’t home anymore.

Talking about how this has impacted her still breaks my heart. And for now it will be a story for another day.

I am glad that I can reflect on days passed and look at the lessons I have learned during this time, one being, that I have no control over my circumstances other than being still and relying on God. My faith is the one true thing that has kept me going. The one thing that allowed me to grow during this process of finding myself. Having to learn that my label isn’t just widow and single mom. The day I left love behind is the day that I started to find a new love. A love for my mistakes and a love for my victories. A love for realising who I am and when I take a deep hard look at myself in the mirror I see Love looking back at me.

I do not know what tomorrow will hold for me or my daughter. I have so many dreams and aspirations. I just know that I am stronger and wiser than yesterday and excited for the hope that tomorrow holds.