For the past 3 years or so, I have been house sitting for a friend of a friend. Myself and Mackenzie use the opportunity as a little weekend holiday if you want to call it like that.
We had a long stretch last week and after a lazy day in the pool I started the evening chores of getting ready for bed when my eye caught an unwelcome guest hanging around in the main bedroom. I was not impressed with the new visitor and my heart sank as I called out to Mackenzie to come provide some much needed advice and assistance to her Momma, on how to remove this character from the house.
She burst out laughing when she saw what caught my eye. Took a picture as google could identify it somewhat better than what I could come up with as just a “darn frog”. I figured this is most probably highly sought after in French Cuisine and what luck they would have if dinner served itself by walking in the front door. Kind of like the chicken going to KFC. Well! We ain’t in Paris and this frog needed to be removed to a different area than my presence.
With no Knight on a White Horse to my rescue I had to suck it up and be brave.
My darling daughter ran seeking safer ground to hide giggling while she called back to me: “Na-ah! I’m not helping, that’s your baby. Just leave it!” she shouted back at me.
“We can’t leave it Mackenzie! If it dies it’s going to leave a bad smell in the house and have you ever experienced a frog pooping?!” I shouted back as I tried to figure out how I’m going to get this frog out of the house without hurting myself in the process. And yes, we were shouting at each other as my darling comrade made sure that the distance between herself and the frog made Timbuktu look like a quick stroll across the road.
I started to look for something that I could catch it with and all that I could find was a plastic container that might do the trick.
I took a deep breath and prepared myself mentally that I have this. It’s just a little froggy. It’s a creation of God and I have dominion over it…Yeah this pep talk was not removing the churning of my stomach…
I crept up behind the frog. Slowly repeating my mantra. I have dominion. I have dominion…
I’m sure the frog had a thought. Like what in the world’s name does this woman think she is going to achieve with that jug in her hand? I bet you that is exactly what it thought as I reached out slowly to slam the jug over it.
Life screeched to an icy halt when from the corner of my eye I saw something fly past my face. Or was it on my face? My instant thought was let me die!
That blasted frog gave revenge 10 000 times over when instead of jumping past me, or over me or even next to me. It decided to jump ON me!
Oh where did it land you might think?
Well. It landed slap bang on the middle of my face. The “darn frog” clawed on for dear life over my right eyelid which now sucked back into my eye socket with the emergency landing this frog did on my face. My mouth gaping open as I could feel a leg dangling over my top lip while my reflexes slammed several warm shots over my face to rid it of this icy cold kiss of death.
I screamed so loud for help from my daughter who by now has abandoned her ship that offered safety crawling on the floor laughing so hard at me, gasping for air.
The couple seconds it took for the frog to land on my face he must have soon realized this is dangerous ground and promptly jumped off again and landed on the opposite wall. His presence felt like years!
“Go wash your face! Go wash your face!” is all that Mackenzie could manage between the fits of laughter and trying to catch a breath. I couldn’t rid the feeling of that cold amphibian on my face. If death’s kiss was real this was what it would have felt like. Cold rubbery and half dangling over your mouth.
I want to gag just thinking about it. I tried to compose myself where now the gross feeling has converted into revenge. That frog will sleep outside tonight!
I ran to fetch a broom. The stars are not aligned in my favor. The broom handle is broken. It is now half the length which means I will be this much closer to the “Darn Frog” that jumps higher than my head.
I find it in its hiding spot and start to sweep it outside. Guiding it outside with perhaps just enough excessive force to show, that jumping on my face, will be the last thing it will ever do!
Safely outside I shut the door and turn to Mackenzie, who has not stopped laughing for one minute at my predicament. By now she is calling Granny and my sisters to tell them of what just happened to Mommy! I scoffed at her and for extra measure washed my face again.
Looking at myself in the mirror I thought, when did the authors of Children stories ever think it was okay to think up the part that a princess will find her prince if she kissed a frog! I am just living proof there is no prince that popped out off that rascal. Just a wrecked nervous system and added dislike in all things green that can jump.
This was so funny, couldn’t stop laughing. Had to read it twice.