Some of you might know that I am a potter or another more scientific term Ceramicist. Studying art and moving into pottery as a major was the best time of my life. Finding my place of peace and happiness.
Words fail me to describe the excitement when the Kiln is opened to reveal my creations. But, as with many things in life, I learned very early in my student days that I can plan, decorate and glaze my design, but the end result always carried the risk that during the high temperatures firing a kiln reaches, your creation will crack or break.
The only thing left to do, will be to throw away and start over. Understanding that the risk with Ceramics is somewhat beyond my control. One has to hold onto hope and expect the unexpected. It is kind of how life throws you with unexpected things. You just have to roll with the punches and make the best of it.
During my studies I had the opportunity to study many ceramic artists through the ages. One of them that I enjoyed the most was Japanese ceramicists. Their simplistic and also very intricate designs in which they decorated their wares was something that influenced my designs while studying.
One thing that stood out to me the most was when a Japanese potter had a vase or bowl crack they would not throw it away. They would mend it. This practice is called “Kintsugi” that is translated to “golden joinery” was and is used in centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery.
Rather than rejoining ceramic pieces with a camouflaged adhesive or throwing it away, the Kintsugi technique employs a special tree sap lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Once completed, beautiful seams of gold in the cracks of ceramic wares, gave a one-of-a-kind appearance to each “repaired” piece.
This unique method celebrates each artifact’s unique history by emphasizing its fractures and breaks instead of hiding or disguising them. It is a well known fact that Kintsugi makes the repaired piece even more beautiful than the original. Giving it a second life. The significance of this carries a broader philosophy of embracing the beauty of human flaws.
This practice of joining a broken piece with gold really resonates so deep in my heart that I can reflect this in my life.
Part of my self care journey I made a point to change the way I talk. Being a widow 3 times longer than being married I decided a long time ago, that this part of my life is what it is. Talking myself into being okay with being single for the past 10yrs, spending my last days fulfilled, doing what I love and raising a headstrong young lady.
After my husband passed I had many conversations with God. I prayed and trusted God for a husband. I couldn’t understand why my husband was taken away when we were just starting out. When we had our little girl and she now has to grow up without a father. Thinking of this hurts like nothing I can put into words. The unfairness of it all. So many things missed out with a dad and husband around.
Fleeting moments of feeling saddened about spending the rest of my days by myself I would always push it away by checking the boxes of why I would accept the fact that marriage for me won’t be happening again. Missing someone so close to you no one can explain that deep ache in your soul and I try to fix the ache by pushing or reasoning it away. That part of brokenness in me I became so comfortable with that I didn’t see anything better for myself and my words and actions reflected the same. I started to think that this is what God planned for me. This is what I am supposed to be. Carrying my label as widowed, single mother of one proudly.
I stopped worrying about how I looked, because why would I go through the trouble of putting on makeup or doing my hair for no one to notice? Why wear heels and something other than Jeans and a T shirt with flip flops, if I would be home on a Friday night anyway?
I would look at others falling into the dating scene soon after their spouses have passed. Finding love and companionship that I can now admit I yearn for deeply. To be in the dynamics of a family circle again. I realize I identified with this brokenness so much that I could not identify the way Jesus looked at me anymore.
So my first step into the right direction was making a list of what I would want a Husband to be like. Doing the same now, as when I prayed for my first husband. Changing my words from, I am okay with being single to I am not settling for it anymore. I know God has a partner for me. I will get married sooner than later and I will be loved once more.
Second step was to go to the cosmetics counter and have the absolute knowledge written all over my face when the sales lady spoke about primers, setting sprays, concealers and lip scrubs! Like when did all this come into play with make-up? Back in the day it was foundation, eyeshadow and lipstick! Now I have links to YouTube tutorial for the correct way of putting on foundation?
Having a good laugh at this when my 11 yr old was saying the same when I got home with a bag of goodies! “Mom you bought the wrong shade of concealer, and you didn’t get a Foundation applicator”
Where did I miss her growing up so quickly?
In doing some research on Japanese pottery I came across some wise words from Hemingway, who said “ We are stronger in the places that we’ve been broken”.
I have realized that becoming a widow is something that has made me stronger. Never wished for, but the plot was set and the scene was written. How it plays out is in my script. How I deal with it. How I play the scene. I can act and speak the truth about what God says about this situation. Making conscious steps towards changing my belief system that I was not made to be alone. I was made for bigger things than life’s sour grapes handed to me. Changing my attitude will attract better things in life.
I leave you with this final word from Leonard Cohen : “There is a crack in everything that’s how the light gets in”.
Shifting our perspective from the crack, to seeing the beauty in it. Filled with Gold. Unique in every sense of the way.
Share with me your broken pieces and how you allow the gold to shine through it.
After dad was gone, it felt as if I had to become an adult much faster than other teenagers my age. The loss of someone so close to you leaves cracks thay will be never be filled again. But like you said, the light comes in, memories remain and the longing for one last conversation or hug will always be there. Light, in this context, makes me think of the life lessons and manners that dad taught us that shines through us.