Identify Your Identity

My daughter went through a phase of trying out different shampoo’s for her curly hair. So if one did not work mom ended up sitting with the rest of the batch to finish up. As if my hair didn’t mind going through the turmoil of a roller coaster ride between extra fluffy locks to dried up straws –  what would a Mother not do.

This one particular bottle seriously worked so much on my nerves. It smelt divine but it just did not work for my locks, which between hormones and age, didn’t know if it wanted to be luscious or add to the burnt out mom look. This particular bottle was not one of the cheap range of shampoos, so I cringed at the thought of throwing a full bottle away and bit the bullet to finish it.

Earlier the week, in the shower between contemplating which of the discarded bottle of left overs I would use, I sighed and grabbed this bottle of blue shampoo and thought by myself that at least it smelled nice. Frustratingly I silently whispered. Lord when will this bottle reach its end?

Father instantly reminded me of the widow who’s oil never ran out until she ran out of containers.

My mind jumped begging mode, please not THIS shampoo.

I don’t mind running out of any other brand but this blue bottle of straw creators is just to much to bear.

My day proceeded with the usual to do’s when an invitation to a luncheon hosted by my church was received. They wanted to honor the Widows in the church. My first thought was, how many older ladies would be there? If you think about it, widows are normally those ripe in age that have lived a long life with their spouses before they stepped over into their new assignment in Heaven.

My heart felt that I did not want to highlight the fact that I am a widow, to step into a hall with a luminous arrow in neon Red, flashing on top of my head with the  “Ding-Ding-Ding”  ring of the bell proclaiming here comes another widow, was certainly not my idea of being bold and embracing my widowhood.

I had this belief for most of my life that, I had to GO to Jesus. I realize how much in performance mode I am. I believed have to do the XYZ steps to meet the ABC of favour and help to my struggles of being alone raising a daughter.

Those verses in the bible, “Be Still” and “Lay me down at still waters” was cute little sentences in a book that flew over my head and never hit home. Songs of Solomon was the part we always giggled in church, blushing at the talk between two lovers proclaiming their love for each other.

Lately I have been having deep conversations. In the going to Jesus part of my day. I went to pour out my frustrations of things not going right. The struggle to be seen and heard. To be validated for who I am. Where one day God replied. It was quite obvious my ears have been closed as he used someone across the oceans, miles and miles away to give me the answer.

She knew details of these conversations with God that only He would know so I had no doubt in my mind that truth was spoken. In short He had said was I see. I hear. I know.

Now why would Shampoo and Lunch have anything to do with a conversation with God?

My recent blogs you might have picked up that I am on a quest to Identify my identity.  Just love that phrase. Lets say it again.

Identify my identity.

I am very tired. Not just physically but mentally strained. I’m pooped beyond words.  I don’t feel that a years paid vacation in the beautiful Mauritius or Bahamas would revive my tired soul and body.

Being a widow, having so much rest on my shoulders and in between all that I have to work on myself.

If I had to look back over the past 10yrs of my widowhood. I have not taken one day and owned it. I detached from the fact that this label is something I didn’t want and although I had this red flashing arrow on my head and the “Ding-Ding-Ding” bell going off I did everything in my power not to own it. I wanted to have an identity but just not that. But heck here I am so now what?

Being honored as a widow is the furthest thing in my mind. I just want to be Charlene. Funny quirky witty and with a hint of sass….plain old Charlene. But that is not who I am as a whole.

I made a conscious decision to become the laid back lover. Stop wanting to Go to but rather just sit and receive.  With intention I would sit and say Here I am Lord. Change my frequency of rejecting my widowhood to a frequency of acceptance and honoring the fact that this is who I am. And it is beautiful between every tear I still cry 10yrs later.

Oh and did He show up! I see with new eyes how much I am cared for. Beyond my imagination. My oil is not running dry. God’s provision is so more than a financial provision. It is a provision in His love for me. Taking me in His heart and keeping me there to rest.  Becoming a laid back Lover as in Songs of Solomon. Becoming still for the first time in my life and truly experiencing the power and frequency of that provision.

Isaiah says God is the husband to the widow. Another cute verse I allowed to blow over. But in my times being laid back and being loved again, I am experiencing the true fact of what that means.

Being honored as a widow is a blessing that God will pour over. Stepping into that part of my identity I am opening the door for a newness to come to my life.

God desperately wants to meet us were we are at. Its not always visa versa. I can truly feel love radiating through my every cell and for the first time in years, I feel that I am not just going through the paces of each day. But I can feel and see there is purpose to everything and in acceptance I will find my freedom and hope for tomorrow.